Jenny from the Block

"we can bury the past, but it never dies."

i hate sober realizations.
they aren't refreshing.

I miss Paulie terribly. I was doing so good putting up the act that everything is fine and life is just greaaaat! ..and then something inside of me just broke..

1. He was so young.
2. It was such a shock.. I mean I was just talking to him 30 minutes before the accident.
3. He had so much to live for and had such a great attitude towards everything.
4. He was "husband material" and was constantly talking about turning me into his wifey.
5. He could cook like nobody's business.
6. We had so much in common..
7. He was the boy version of me that was looking for a girl version of him.
8. He was absolutely gorgeous.
9. SOULMATES.
10. He didn't laugh at my insanely large family, because his was bigger and crazier.. Haha.
11. It sounds weird, but I can feel that he's around through a lot of the things that I do.. I swear I'm not crazy..

I love you Paulie. I would do anythinggg to have you back smiling and laughing and doing those Weezy impersonations..I know you're not really gone and that this isn't goodbye forever. Just keep looking down on us, especially on your family and little Drew. You're our guardian angel now.. See you in the stars. <3333

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I needed change so bad.
Out of that job.
Out of that relationship.
Out of that state.
I wasn't running away.
I was just trying to end that chapter..

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

love does not conquer all.
sometimes dreams and aspirations get in the way.

it's so difficult to describe my logic.
rob says i'm just waiting for a let down because i have idealized this perfect man that is supposed to enter my life and no one is perfect.

i know i know i know I KNOW!

but it's all about the chase isn't it? this yearning for that perfection. i understand that i could be let down...because there is no one perfect out there, but i'm not looking for that. I'm looking for someone who is perfect for me.

like puzzle pieces that have been lost for years finally being put together.
that's how i want us to fit.

i'm sort of in this bubble right now where i believe things will turn out okay in the end. I want to daydream about my [insert name here]. i have lists and ideas of how my man should be, but i also know that the list gets thrown out the window when he actually comes back into my life.

yes, i said back.
and when i say he, i guess i really mean love.
cause you know, there's not only one love for us all.

i idealize love way too much.
thank god i'm not planning on getting married anytime soon..

I have stopped writing.
I have stopped reading.
I have stopped buying cigarettes.

Things have changed and I don't know where I was because nothing is documented anymore. In the shower, my mind fills up with words and stories I need to share, but when I'm finally sitting in front of my computer, it's too much chaos in my head and I give up.

The sad part is that I finally have time to write and read and live the dream. But I'm just too anxiety-stricken.

I'm sure I have missed many of you guys' entries, and I apologize.
So please, fill me in on your lives. Whatever is important to you, let me know.

I am still filling these lungs with maryjane.
I am still not over playing the wifey role.
I've been having these weird breakdowns in my head and I wish someone would psychoanalyze me.

Do you think my walls are up because I don't know how to express how I feel anymore? Or maybe I'm really living a drama-free life and because I don't know how to live a stress-free life, I create chaos to fit what I'm used to? What psychology term is that again?

Maybe because I cared more about learning to live than actually reading school books and taking tests. I should have gone to more classes too.

This is my mind now. ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.

Is it already August? God. Where has my summer gone? I have absolutely no idea. It's really so weird how time works. 3 years ago, I swore I was in love with a horny 19 year old boy. I was fragile and naive. I convinced myself that nothing was more important than obsessing over the lust I had for him, not even my own well-being. Ha, what a fucking chump.

Then I got bitter and everything inside started to shut down slowly until I didn't think I deserved anything. But I yearned for it all. Twisting the sad reality into a power trip. Blah, blah, fucking blah. We've all heard the story a million times. But then a year ago, I fell in more love than I ever thought could happen. I was on cloud 9, 24/7, getting high off love and lust and just every fucking thing about him.

Breakup. Yeah, yeah, we know the story. And I really really really never thought i'd get over it. I thought he was the one. I honestly thought we'd break up for a couple of years, learn how to love again-but this time more independently, and fall in love all over again just to get married and you know the story. We were the notebook without all the fighting.

But I just don't see that anymore. I've been putting our pictures away in storage and I just smile at everything we were. SO YOUNG AND SO FUCKING IN LOVE. Things are so different now. I get scared that our friendship will slowly fade away. I find myself not knowing what to say anymore. All it is is: this is my life, thanks for listening.

I hope at least some what of this entry makes sense.

Now I know why I never update anymore.
This entry took me 2 hours to complete. I just can't sit still anymore. In the process of this entry, I: stretched for 10 minutes, watched parts of Sorority Boys with Karli, ran the dishwasher, took Cali out, and made breakfast.

So point; time is a wonderful thing.

no one knew all the pain i went through.
all the love i saved deep in my heart for you.
didn't know where i would go, where i would be.
but you made me leave.
and plus my heart it just.. it just kept telling me so.

i remember when my heart broke.
i remember when i gave up loving you.
my heart couldn't take no more of you.
i was sad and lonely.
i remember when i walked out.
i remember when i said i hated you.
but somehow deep inside still loving you.
sad and lonely.

there was nowhere else to go.
nobody else to turn to.
for the rest of my life i promised myself..
i will love me first, genuinely.

i push away love, and ignore the people that love me the most. i guess i push to see how far they can get before they don't care anymore. but by the time i realize what i've done, they have already left long ago. i don't want to be alone and single with lots to show but nobody to share it with.

i'm sorry if i've pushed you away. everyday i'm learning that everyday i push you further. but don't leave. i love you, and you may be the only thing holding me together. i may pretend i can do things without you, but truth is i can't do anything without you.

this past week has been amazing. it was so nice to wake up and NOT DO ANYTHING. i love when i have no plans. i can get my bronze on and gain some weight from pina coladas and margaritas.

anyway, it's time to get back to reality tomorrow @ 9AM.

"i was a warm breeze with a cool tan
life mapped out on the back of my hand
when i was laughing i was making plans
but i didn't laugh when i found you
there's a heaven baby you're the proof
you make me feel something like summertime
top down ain't nothing but time
radio's on and you're by my side
feels something like summertime
like a first slow dance and a first long kiss
there ain't nothing baby better than this
it's like a beach blanket and a bottle of wine
it feels something like summertime
sum-summer-summertime."

no one can make me cry, make me laugh,
make me smile or drive me mad like [he] does.
it's like a curse that is the cure, better or worse,
one thing's for sure: it's a real love.
and i don't know what i'd do if i lost it.

dunk's girlfriend's school had their prom yesterday.
i think they look so cute together.


^^ melissa and dunk.


^^ me, dunk, felipe.

felipe's birthday was thursday, but monica and i did his "surprise" birthday party last night. he totally wasn't expecting it....

corinne's pictures are posted on playboy. i've heard so many opinions from others who know her personally. everyone has mixed reactions: some people are happy for her, and others think posing for playboy wasn't a noble move. i personally believe that playboy is a classy magazine, so i don't see anything wrong with it. i'm actually proud of corinne.. she is a gorgeous and confident young woman that knows what she wants and is willing to work hard enough to obtain it, with her morals still intact. she doesn't use people to get what she wants and she has never degraded herself.

most of the negative comments are coming from other girls, which leads to me to believe they're coming from the green-eyed monster, JEALOUSY. we were talking about friendship last night.. how once you start moving up in the world people who wouldn't give you the time of day are suddenly jumping on board and wanting to be in your life. or how people that have been in your life suddenly excommunicate you because you're bettering yourself and they're still at the same level. ..true friends will be around for you no matter what.

"you are the one that i always think about. my first love that i made this song about. you know me well and you always make me feel like i'm the one and i know your love is real. i love it when you whisper in my ear; you say the sweetest things that i wanted to hear. i never thought i would feel this way, and when i leave you in the morning i think of you all day. and the whole world around us stops and stares, it feels so good to fall asleep knowing that you are there. you make me feel so beautiful, it's like the sun is always shining when you're in control. you are my mister mystery and there's no way i can explain the way you make me feel." - uffie

i've become domesticated again; cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, going grocery shopping. i'm even waking up at 5am just so i can make breakfast for bean and give him a kiss goodbye before he goes to work.

& honestly, this is the happiest i've ever been.
"it's no coincidence, it was meant to be."

"this could last forever; we could last forever."
everything will change; but love remains the same.

^^ typical afternoon.


^^ monica (felipe's sister) and i.


^^ double trouble. :)


^^ double trouble, felipe, and i.


^^ "i'll do flips for some chips."


^^ monica and i.


^^ beannnnn!


^^ felipe and i.


^^ "ain't no better cookin' than mama's cookin'"


^^ the boys and i.

^^ i was in charge of bringing the pinata for the
cinco de mayo party at felipe's parent's house.

cinco de mayo party = afternoon tequila...
which then leads to:

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